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PostPosted: February 18th, 2012 11:05:16 am 
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On the Works of Gualberto Barrau
A short story by famed Argentine essayist Soncho Michez

:mick:

Part 1
----

It has been only a few months now, but already most people have completely forgotten about Gualberto Barrau, a writer I used to know. He wasn’t very famous, so actually I take that back, they probably never even heard about him, but he was kind of a friend of mine (not a very close friend), so I remember him, and I would say that it’s too bad that he’s dead, because he had a little bit of talent, and some of the concepts that he wrote about were a little bit interesting.

When I met him he was into writing some real garbage that wasn’t good. He was part of a weird movement of writers called the “Gluteists” who would all always write about big fat butts, because they thought it was a good topic, creatively speaking. Here is a word of advice about the Gluteists: Don’t buy their publications, unless you want to use them as toilet paper, which would be appropriate because of the irony.

Anyway, I met Barrau when he was hanging around with those guys, obsessing about big butts every day and night, and I read some of his stuff, and even though it was VERY unbearable, I noticed that sometimes he would write one or two sentences that were kind of acceptable, by bare minimum standards. For instance, this line from a poem that he had been writing:

“A giant pair of hams is like
Her derriere, so fair and ripe”

As you can see, it is very much about butt cheeks, but I could see that he knew how to make stuff that rhymed, and he actually knew how to write actual words instead of just drawing little pictures of butts due to being illiterate, which is more than I can say for the rest of the movement. So I told him, “Hey, maybe you could write some better stuff if you tried actually having a good concept. If you took just two minutes to come up with an actual idea before writing, maybe it would not be such a big waste of time to read it that it would make me want to go underwater in a submarine and then sink the submarine, drowning myself.”

Anyway, Barrau really thought hard about that one, and for the rest of his career, he tried to do things more “my way” and come up with good stuff to write about, instead of the crap that he had previously been writing. Looking at a list of his published works, you can see that he at least made an effort. Here is a list:

- A series of letters to a his brother explaining what nuns are, because he didn’t really understand nuns.

- My shadow isn’t a day older than twenty-six! - A short story in the Gothic style about a guy whose shadow seems to be getting younger and younger, and eventually it drives him insane.

- An essay on improving the game of chess by putting the chess board on top of a fat woman’s big butt, and then every player has to look at the butt for at least ten seconds before they can make a move. Barrau enthusiastically embraces this innovation.

- A series of letters to me where he thanks me for giving him so much good advice.

- An essay about how if a woman had huge cheeks on her face that looked just like butt cheeks, and no other non-butt-related features, then that would be a big improvement on women.

- A critique of a Batman, the Caped Crusader comic that he had. Barrau argues that the comic should have been a bit longer and had less ads.

- Lumpy Delight, and Sagging Paradise, a pair of sonnets dedicated to the individual butt cheeks of a maid that he used to have a crush on when he was young.

- God Comes Out of a Coma - A novella that I never actually read, but it looks like it’s probably not about butts, so I will include it on this list.

Anyway, as you can see, some parts of Barrau’s work might be good enough that it would be somewhat possible to read them without getting pretty mad, but the thing is that this stuff was not really his “masterpiece,” this was just some decently respectable crap that he churned out while trying to be more like me. What he was working on when he died, though, sounded like it might actually be a little bit good.

“I just find it soooo frustrating,” said Barrau to me one day when I was visiting him in Portugal, where he lived. “People just read things way too fast. It takes a really long time to write stuff, and you have to think really hard about every word. But then people read the stuff that you wrote, and it only takes them like a minute to read something that took a whole entire hour to write. I don’t think that’s really very fair, personally.”

I didn’t really care very much about what he was saying, so I just said, “okay.”

“This is my new style of reading things --Did you know that you can have a style for reading things just like you can have a style for writing things? Whenever I read, I like to read really slow, and think really hard about what I am reading. I will read a word, and then I will think about the word for a while, and then after I’m pretty sure that I get it, maybe I’ll move onto the next word.”

At the time, I thought that Barrau was just trying to come up with a good excuse for being basically illiterate, but then he said something that made me think that he was at least a bit literate.

“When my new book is done being written, everyone will have to read it... my way!”

Anyway, the book was never published, because Barrau died, but I decided that I might as well go over to Portugal and see if there were notes or a manuscript lying around or something, because I had just finished reading a really crappy comic strip, and I figured that anything would be better than that.

Part 2, coming soon!

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PostPosted: February 18th, 2012 21:55:46 pm 
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I am interested in this Gluteist movement imo

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PostPosted: February 21st, 2012 20:42:38 pm 
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I think I like Soncho Michez even more than Sonty Mick

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PostPosted: February 23rd, 2012 00:10:31 am 
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Then you'll love British humorist Sontham G. Mickhouse.

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PostPosted: March 3rd, 2012 00:40:57 am 
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I love Soncho Michez


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PostPosted: March 6th, 2012 15:11:11 pm 
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i love him more and i am going to marry him so step off

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PostPosted: March 11th, 2012 06:09:17 am 
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nuh-uh


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PostPosted: March 12th, 2012 15:03:30 pm 
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yuh-huh

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PostPosted: March 24th, 2012 12:08:28 pm 
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I couldn't sleep tonight, so I am writing an excerpt from Sontham Mickhouse Jr's "The Cup of Tea at the Solar System".

Not really sure what I will do with it.

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PostPosted: April 10th, 2012 13:56:53 pm 
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Make a comic with it?

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PostPosted: April 20th, 2012 03:58:13 am 
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I gave up webcomics for all of Lent and there's no new tall comic?!?!? Haven't I suffered enough? :orc:


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PostPosted: April 21st, 2012 09:18:06 am 
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Unwinder I hope you will be pleased to hear that I spent the Easter holidays reading three books of Borges just so I get the jokes

screw gabriel garcia marquez :gun: :bush:

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PostPosted: April 21st, 2012 09:22:23 am 
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Excellentah.

You win my approval.

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